Creating Our Personal Oasis: Kabbalos and Habits that Last

Shira groaned as she pulled into her office parking lot. Again she’d forgotten to say Birchos Hashachar before eating breakfast.

Come on, Shira. No one is asking you to daven a full Shacharis at this stage in your life. But Birchos Hashachar? You can’t manage to say those few brachos before drinking your coffee? She sighed as she took her bag and got out of the car.

This Elul, she promised herself. That’s what I’m going to work on this Elul. It’ll be my kabbalah for the new year. And this time, it’s going to stick!

“Start small.” “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

Do these quotes sound familiar regarding personal growth? We hear the message time and again, yet we want our small steps to yield big results. We hardworking frum women want to grow, and we want to do it fast.

With limited time and energy, how can we turn our dreams into reality? Read further to discover the 5 secret steps that will transform your habits into everlasting changes!

This summer I had the amazing opportunity to give a workshop in Wings to a group of hardworking Lakewood women. When preparing the segment on habits, I coined the acronym “Oasis” (based on concepts from the book, Atomic Habits).

For a habit to stick, it must contain these 5 elements. Suppose Chanie, busy mom of six, has a goal of working out. The first thing she needs to do is implementation intentions. In simple terms, that means that, instead of keeping her goal vague (“I will exercise every day”), she assigns it a time and a place to make it stick.

will ________ (action) at ___________ (where, when, with whom) I.e. I,

Chanie, will walk every day for 10 minutes after dropping off Avromi at playgroup, with my neighbor on my block. Now Chanie is ready to apply “OASIS” to her goal, in order to make it realistic. Let’s see how Chanie will do that.

O - OBVIOUS- This means that whatever gear she’ll need is in close proximity. (Sneakers are on feet or prepped near Avromi’s playgroup bag.)

A - ATTRACTIVE- Whatever equipment is needed is appealing to her. In this case, Chanie makes sure that her sneakers and/or water bottle are cute and pretty. (It’s worth the few extra dollars!)

S - SO EASY- Eliminate any extra steps—keep it simple. In Chanie’s case, this might mean prepping for the next day while packing her kids’ bags each night. Or, by keeping an extra water bottle that’s just for her walks.

I - I CAN DO THIS- She should motivate herself, remind herself why she is doing this! (Say or write it: “I’m working out so I can be a healthy and energetic mother to my kids.” )

S - SATISFYING- She should reward herself for her walks, with self-care, a little treat, etc. Alternatively, a goal feels satisfying by sharing your success with a friend or spouse.

Now, how can we use OASIS to turn our Elul kabbalos into realistic goals?

We’ll use the example of Shira, who had a rushed morning routine each day with her kids (like many busy moms) and berated herself daily for not saying her morning brachos before eating. She wanted to choose two goals for this Elul: one spiritual — saying brachos from a siddur before eating, and one physical — drinking her first cup of 8 cups of water.

The roadblocks in the way of her goal were many: remembering to do it, locating the brachos in her siddur easily, finding the two minutes to fill up her water bottle amidst the hecticness, etc. Let’s see how implementing the “Oasis” strategy was a game changer for Shira!

OBVIOUS- Shira placed her brachos card near her coffee mug (pairing “want to happen” with “already happening”).

ATTRACTIVE- Shira purchased a pretty brachos card with an English translation. (available for under $5 in Judaica stores; some are even given out for free).

I CAN DO THIS- She wrote her goal in bold letters in the front of her planner (think bulletin board, fridge magnet, or any other place in your line of vision).

SO EASY- She simplified the process by prepping the night before (and keeping brachos card in corner of kitchen always).

SATISFYING- She tracked her progress by creating small checks in the back page of her daily planner.

Try this at home and let me know how following these steps transform your dreams into reality! Here’s to creating your own personal oasis!

Be in touch and keep me posted on how it’s going! Would love to share in your successes! N.F.